A guide to living light until the time is right

2012 marks the end of my first five years since high school graduation, my first year as a registered healthcare professional, and the start of my third year as resident to the beautiful city of Cape Town. Over the past half decade, I’ve come out as a gay man to my family and friends, graduated from two different universities, moved five times, made a lifelong best friend, seen friends go, fallen in love, had my heart broken, signed and completed my first job contract, faced a financial scare, worked my body to exhaustion, received word of my parents’ divorce, embarked fearlessly upon unaccompanied international travel and, most recently, been awarded a scholarship to enrol as a postgraduate student. In other words, I’ve been put through my paces and, as a result, have learned many valuable life lessons.

As I look back upon times of uncertainty as to who I was, what I wanted, where I was going, and what the reality of the world around me was, I can now fully appreciate how my past experiences have changed me for the better. As I approach my mid-twenties, I have found new solace. The definition of “balance” - whether it be with regard to dating, career, health or finance - has become more lucid than ever since experiencing polar opposite circumstances in the many different realms of life.

“You’re too fat.” “You’re too thin.”

“He will never make it through university.” “Congratulations, you have graduated.”

“Your current balance is R50.00.” “Your current balance is R50 000.00.”

Like they say, you cannot truly appreciate that golden middle-ground until you have seen the light and the dark – until you have been enigmatically euphoric and hopelessly lost for cause.

Worry. I’ve heard it said that it is in our very nature to do so, and that when we don’t have something to worry about, we create cause for conflict or disagreement by which this intrinsic impulse will be met. I tend to disagree. In fact, if I could lend one word of advice to my eighteen year old self, I would simply say: “DJ, don’t worry yourself too much. Over the next five years people will come and go – some of them will hurt you, but in return you will encounter passion and experience feelings you never thought possible. You will endure sleepless nights at your work desk, but in return you will find your life’s calling. You will doubt yourself as you take on new and unfamiliar challenges, but in return you will learn to trust your judgement and gain faith in your abilities. Others will criticize you after which you will look at yourself in the mirror and despise your own reflection, but time and age will tutor you on subjects such as “love and true appreciation for the unique and undeniably beautiful self.” These are but a few of the words I would share with my younger, inexperienced self. I trust that every new person I meet is a teacher, that every new experience I undergo is a lesson, and that how I choose to apply each of these teachings to the betterment of my life is a test in the grand classroom of Life. 

I must confess; my thinking has not always been this healthy, sound, or rational. I have a broad array of friends – some of them career oriented and highly focused, others very sociable and extravagant. Each of them brings a different outlook on life to the table, and it was not until recently that I truly realized the worth of my more outgoing friends’ ways of thinking. It’s simple – don’t take life too seriously; it’s physically and emotionally draining and does more harm than good to constantly worry about where you will be five years from now, whether your hard work will pay off at the end of the day, whether Mr. Right will ever make his appearance, or what other people think of you. All you have is now, this very moment. Live your life fearlessly and with reckless abandon. Do what makes you happy. Laugh till you cry over a glass of wine with your best friend. Never look in the mirror without acknowledging nature’s masterpiece staring right back at you. Meet new people and, instead of placing a weight of expectation on their shoulders, accept them for who they are and appreciate them for the lessons they are about to teach you. The right man, the exception, will come along when the time is right for you both. And yes, you may not be one hundred percent happy at work, but this job will make sense farther down your career path. The truth is that there is no “okay you’ve made it, your life is now perfect” finish line to cross five, ten or fifteen years from today – if you live like this, you are setting yourself up for a life of misery and disappointment. As you grow and as you change, life will present new obstacles and new challenges, and it is how you choose to react to these glitches that will determine your state of happiness at any given point in time. The point is this: Nothing in this life is guaranteed to you but right now. At the end of the day you can’t change your world, but you have the power to change the way you live in it.

»Life’s Little Lessons

 See my What I Share page for other kinds of posts you’ll find on OGBL!

The GBF (Gay Best Friend) - planet earth’s most advanced form of insight into the female psyche. To us, the way a woman reacts is fully comprehensible. Where the Neanderthal is left perplexed and the jock stupefied, the GBF perceives women’s true emotions and thought processes in response to any given stimulus as, quite simply, sound and rational. 

To his beloved girlfriends, the GBF is always on standby to listen with the deepest empathy. He assesses the most complex of situations and lovingly shares, however blatant, and with the best of intent in mind, his sincerest advice. Even with a faithful girlfriend’s number on speed dial, I’m convinced that millions of women all over the world painfully keep their feelings bottled up in the hope that their GBF’s busy social calendar will soon present an opening for that emergency coffee date. You see, dear readers, it goes something like this: gay men are equip with the most sophisticated system of emotional intelligence software – that of female intuition and emotional sensitivity combined with a complete understanding of the male mentality and its emanating thoughts. With a peeping keyhole into both worlds, a GBF is simply the best interface for a straight couple to make sense of conflict in their relationship. 

Just yesterday I was at a weekend lunch with four cherished girlfriends, two of whom were at a crossroads in their relationships with their boyfriends of two years. Much like we do on occasions like this, we ended up attempting to decipher what it is that makes men so afraid of commitment. It’s always the same; boy meets girl (or, in my instance, boy meets boy), time passes, bonds grow stronger, one partner proposes the relationship be taken to the next level, the relationship survives, or the relationship admits defeat on the grounds of an imbalance of affection. Or is it really this simple? 

My philosophy is that men are fully capable of lovingly committing to one partner for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, there’s always the prospect of finding someone better. With so much variety, and so many options, my take is that a modern day Helen of Troy would have just as much trouble holding onto her man. I consider myself privileged to be friends with some of the most beautiful, intelligent and caring women, but it saddens me to think that they have yet to be swept off their feet to take pleasure in wonderfully fulfilling relationships. Worse is when I see one of them, several years into a partnership they have poured their hearts into, be shattered by a man who is too afraid to give them what they want and what they need. 

And what is it that women want and need, you may ask? Why I’m surprised that anyone with half a heart couldn’t find it within themselves to answer this very basic question. Listen up boys. Number one: women (and gay men) want to feel like they’re set apart from everyone else you give attention to throughout your very busy day. So take us by the hand when we least expect it, look into our eyes and ask how we’re doing. To be reminded that our basic state of wellbeing is one of your primary concerns in this life is all we need to feel completely appreciated and that you genuinely do care. Number two: we need to feel like we are included in your future plans. Yes, that’s right. When you plan your career, your living arrangements, your next backpacking adventure, or even next Sunday afternoon, we need to feature in the decision making process. Number three (the one that men struggle with the most): we need to know that there’s a future. Too many of us put out lives on hold in the hope that you will someday awaken to the extent of how much we love you. We need to be reminded, constantly, that we’re someone you want a future with, that we’re not just a time-filler until you set your eyes on something with longer legs and a tighter ass. We need to feel like we’re the one you want to create memories with for as far as your mind can plan ahead. For us, life is to short for ifs, buts, and uncertainty. Our love is strong and sincere, and we need to feel 100% secure that, come hell or high water, you won’t throw it away when life gets tough as it inevitably will.

Love is patient. Love is kind. We all know that little rhyme. Through personal experience and through seeing some of my dearest friends and family go through the most horrible experiences, I have come to realize that life is too short to invest in someone who won’t enrich your days with love and true appreciation. Living your best life on your own two feet and doing what makes you happy comes as priority number one. Living your best life with a partner who can add joy to your self-celebrated life should be secondary. Someone else can never make you become a first rate version of yourself, but an unfulfilling relationship is the fastest way of feeling like you belong on the 60% off rack of a clothing store. We’re so much better than that! Respecting our self-worth is way more important than sticking around for a man who is uncertain as to what he wants, and with only so many days in one lifetime, it’s important to be the happiest we can possibly be starting right now. 

Coming from a space where I believed that you’re not really anybody until somebody loves you to a space where I celebrate life and its endless realm of exciting prospects, my definition of “relationship” has completely changed. Firstly, a relationship consists of two people living two separate lives who willingly share their passion and time (the most precious of commodities) with someone they care for. Secondly, a relationship is not self-maintaining. People fall in and out of love with the person they’re in a partnership with continuously depending on the events and each partner’s feelings at a given point in time. Times of conflict and sacrifice are when couples learn how they really feel about each other, and how much of a priority they are in their counterpart’s life. Lastly, we all think that relationships make us stronger but, in actual fact, they are the strongest test for human character. Being vulnerable, revealing your weaknesses and showing insecurity are humbling and potentially self-defeating acts. Relationships strip you down until there’s nothing left but raw emotion and naked exposure. 

I’ll say it again: gay men are equip with the most sophisticated system of emotional intelligence software. Without an ounce of shame, we stay in touch with our basic feminine instincts, and allow our feelings to guide us to a place where we feel safe and steady. Just as I understand how my girlfriends’ minds work, so do they have a firm grasp of what goes on in mine. What we want is clear-cut and uncomplicated: priority in your life, inclusion in your plans, and assurance in your future. Three simple steps to making your boy or girl feel completely complete.

»Life’s Little Lessons

 See my What I Share page for other kinds of posts you’ll find on OGBL!

It’s here. The very last day of 2011 has arrived, and a brand new year awaits; a fresh start, a clean slate. What could be more uplifting, more inspiring, than the prospect of, well, new prospects? The possibilities are endless. But let’s not forget that with looking forward, looking back on past experiences and lessons learned is the best way of ensuring a year like no other; a year in which you have the opportunity to transform past failures or – as I prefer to call them – “early attempts at success” into the very outcomes you were striving toward over months past. Rather than sending you down a spiral of upsetting memories (and for the nearest chocolate-coated source of comfort) reflecting on the past should be seen as a healthy exercise. A way of taking control of your life and making sure you are open to positive experiences and the happiness you truly are worthy of. With that said, dear readers (whoever you may be), I will write from the heart and share with you the most difficult challenge I encountered in 2011.

I don’t particularly enjoy writing about my dating experiences, but working through the aftermath of a failed attempt at a relationship with someone who I wanted - with all my heart and soul - for me to be to him what he was to me was the absolute low point of the year. Sound familiar? Yes, this is the very reason I started my blog, and you can read more about it on my The Inspiration Behind OGBL Page. I’m sure there is no need for me to elaborate on this aspect any further, but what I have yet to write about is the particulars of this aftermath. For a good few months I was convinced that there was something seriously wrong with me and that, as a result of what had happened, I had become someone who moped around and had lost the ability to enjoy life. Getting to work felt like a five mile hike, and being sociable was about as thrilling as solving an algebraic problem. Never in a million years would I have guessed that things would get to the extent that I would have to see a shrink. But this is what it came to. After a month of therapy I felt like I was finally able to move forward without feeling like my feet were glued to the floor. I have yet to discover what it was that made this particular dating experience such a life changing event or, better yet, what made me so utterly consumed by the person I was seeing, but I would have done just about anything to have things work out between us. I’m a firm believer in that some people are (for lack of a better term) “soul mates” and others not, and my best bet is that this is the type of connection I felt. But even though I knew I was starting to fall in love, I was well aware that something was horribly wrong. When I looked at this man I failed to see his imperfections, yet when I looked at myself all I could see were imperfections. It wasn’t that I doubted myself; it was that I could sense that my affection was unrequited. It wasn’t until he made a momentous confession that I ultimately understood why I felt so empty and so completely drained. He was doing drugs. Having never touched any kind of illegal substance, this is something which I was (and will always be) strongly opposed to. In my mind, someone abusing a substance - whether it be drugs or alcohol - is ineligible as a partner. It saddens me that my first love was someone who probably doesn’t even exist, but knowing why events unfolded as they did makes processing them a whole lot easier. It’s just a shame that I was too naïve to spot the signs earlier, and that my faith in love had to be restored by a professional therapist. It goes without saying that the most important thing is that I gained valuable life experience, and that I can use this to avoid making the same mistakes again. 

A couple of months later I was back in the dating game. This time around I was lucky enough to have met a wonderful man. Mature, kind-hearted, ambitious, fun, and attractive - there was no denying that I had struck gold. Everything was perfect, and Mr Incredible was doing everything right (yes, this is the same Mr Incredible who sent me flowers and checked #15 off the list). I was comfortable. I was happy. Nonetheless, I knew in my heart of hearts that something was wrong; I didn’t love him. Whether I was still damaged goods or whether the connection simply was not there I’ll never know. I did, however, learn something truly significant, something I now believe to be the single most important pillar of a relationship, and the very foundation on which its strength depends:

               A true partnership is when you bring the best out in him, and he brings the best out in you.

Words cannot describe how profound this realisation was. “I like who I am when I spend time with you,” said the guy who ultimately sent me to therapy. It wasn’t until we had parted ways that I realized I wouldn’t have been able to say this to him. The same principle can be applied when it comes to Mr Incredible, only this time I was the one bringing out his less admirable characteristics. We were constantly arguing, and he seemed frustrated. Why? He could sense that my heart wasn’t in it. It’s unfortunate, but it would never have worked.

And there we have it, people – the 2011 experience which I thought would result in my ultimate downfall has resulted in my gain of the knowledge of what I now consider to be the most essential aspect of a relationship. I choose to never again look back on an incident in the past and allow it to defeat me. Neither should you. Never give up on yourself, and never allow someone else’s words or actions to dictate how happy you are. Instead, reflect on your mistakes, learn from them, and use this insight to enrich your life. The future is bright.

Happy New Year. Make it count!

My best,

DJ Xx

The end of 2011 - a year of change, change, and more change - is fast approaching. A perfect example of this (seemingly recurrent) theme of change would be the present moment as I sit typing (with immense content) at my [new] desk, in my [new] apartment, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean (presently occupied by 3 rather large cargo ships, idly afloat and firmly anchored at bay as if enjoying a lazy afternoon in the Sunday sun). It has been some time now since I’ve posted on OGBL but, now that my mandatory internship as an exercise rehabilitation specialist has come to an end - a job which has kept me on the very tips of my toes this year - there is an abundance of time to be invested in the completion of a few OGBL missions for the summer! But, as would be fitting before delving into the future, I’d like to reflect briefly on what has happened over the past few months since my last update.

For starters, I have moved into my very own place. I’ve added a few personal touches, and I feel truly at home. After moving each and every year since high school (this last move being the 6^th to date), it really is about time I settle down and focus my attention and energy on the things I consider important, one of these things being my pending enrollment in a 2-year Master’s degree in Exercise Science at the University of Cape Town. It’s invigorating to soon be starting a brand new chapter of my life and, all the same, it’s rewarding to have recently fulfilled all of the requirements for registration as a Healthcare Professional in South Africa (these requirements being a 3-year undergraduate degree, a 1-year postgraduate degree, and a 2-year internship). The road has been lengthy and arduous at times, but this time and effort was well spent. The sense of accomplishment one feels at the end of a tough journey such as those I have embarked upon throughout my academic career far outweighs the many sacrifices one has to make, so I am fuelled by an immense amount of passion and excitement as I look upon the next 2 years and set out to complete mission #46 on The List; Be Somewhat of a Mad Scientist (or as much as my intellect will allow).

On to to more bright and cheerful prospects, I am now a bona-fide triathlete!! YES, just today I made it though my very first Olympic distance triathlon! After a 12 week training programme it took just 2 hours 48 minutes and 32 seconds to navigate through a 1100m swim, a 44km cycle, and an 11km run. However, the journey does not end here. My eyes are firmly set on Ironman 70.3 which is to take place next month; the race I have identified as the perfect test to pass as mission #4 on The List: “Dominate a Decent Physical Challenge.” With just 6 weeks remaining, it’s time to train my head, heart and body in such a way that I’ll make it to that finish line. Here’s to hoping for the best!

One last (exhilarating) bit of news is that a trip to Egypt has been arranged! As soon as I complete the abovementioned physical challenge I am due to fulfil a lifelong dream of touring the time-old land of pharaohs, hieroglyphics and pyramids (outlined as mission #18, Walk Like an Egyptian). Words cannot describe the amount of excitement I feel, and I cannot wait to board that plane for what I am certain will be a life-altering expedition!

And so I have reached the end of this (very long overdue) update. This year has certainly been an eventful one, and has brought with it many pleasant surprises and plenty unexpected challenges which, as I have come to learn, are all carefully-placed stepping stones which pave the way to a brilliant tomorrow. Nevertheless 2011 is not yet over, and I plan on making a sneaky little diversion from my holiday plans in an attempt to check just one last item off The List before Christmas arrives. Till then, enjoy the December festivities, and remember to go easy on the bubbly at those end-of-year office parties! ;)